Healing from narcissistic abuse can be like walking through a rocky terrain in a dense fog. You may have a sense about where you’re going but it’s slow-going and it’s so darn easy to make mistakes along the way.
Finding a sherpa is tricky because this is a leading-edge topic and most therapists don’t have a clue about it, which can do more damage if what you’re dealing with is, in fact, attempting to truly heal from a coercive, ambient-abusive person who targeted (or is targeting) you.
There are many people speaking out on the topic of narcissistic abuse but the information is all over the place. I encourage you to binge watch what you need and read as many books as will satisfy to your validation meter (YES YOU DID EXPERIENCE THAT, YES IT WAS REAL, YES IT’S UNSPEAKABLE AND HORRIFIC, AND YES YOU CAN DO THIS).
These 2 women have really paved a path through this foggy territory and I have benefited from both of their wisdom. Check them out but be sure to find people in your day-to-day reality that can mirror back to you your sanity, your depth, your joy.
Key points:
- Information is just a starting point. (YES OTHERS HAVE BEEN THERE!)
- Roadmaps are helpful. (YES THERE’S A WAY OUT!)
- Allies are essential. (NO YOU’RE NOT ALONE!)
Here are these 2 women’s road maps. To keep things simple for you, I’m just going to share links to their main works. You can google for more extensive info.
The Journey: A Roadmap for Self-healing After Narcissistic Abuse by Meredith Miller
The Journey is available on Amazon (n kindle and in paperback). It organizes the healing process according to the 12 steps of a hero’s journey (by Joseph Campbell). Meredith makes it easy to see exactly where you are on the path of healing from narcissistic abuse and what steps to take next.
- Phase 1: Recognize what just happened and get out of the fog of denial. Take necessary actions for your safety.
- Phase 2: Find inner balance. Find YOU.
- Phase 3: Go forward. Create new paths for yourself and share the gifts of your journey with others. There are MANY.
Meredith has a youtube station called Inner Integration.
When Shame Begets Shame: How The Narcissist Hurts & Shames Their Victims by Christine Louise de Canonville
F##king amazing. Christine, a psychologist from Ireland, nails it in this ebook (pdf). Victimized by a psychopathic older brother, she gets the game from the inside out.
She is very thorough, clear and compassionate. It’s written for both professionals and also regular people 🙂
Especially important is the distinction between codependency and co-narcissism (think: “co-pilot”). SO IMPORTANT. You can listen to her podcast interview on this topic here (minutes 13-20 are key).
You can buy her ebook here.
Bonus: Brene Brown’s groundbreaking Ted Talks are essential to this topic
Yes, I know I mentioned 2 women in the title.. but seriously… if you’ve read this far and you haven’t seen these 2 talks, just go there and watch them first. Like, now.
In another post, I’ll share about where you can find allies, including here at Joy-Based Living. One of our members actually coaches people from trauma to thriving.
I have been living with a narcissistic person for 53 years never knew what it was until recently I blame myself for everything I am always down sad and never understand what and why my life is Lille it is I thought my husband was bipolar for years until I started researching narcissism it was then when I realized he was narcissistic even thing I read and research is him never showing affection always putting me down he’s always right bad out rage punching things storming out the door I would sit home and try to figure it out what did I say what did I do now finally I know it’s not me I feel as if I wasted my like trying to fix this marriage it been so long I can’t leave now I just want to know how to live with it
Jean,
O my dear darling beautiful human… I am so sorry you have had to endure this invisible abuse for so long…and I am so glad… SO GLAD… you are educating yourself to exit the realm of self blame, which is what perpetuates toxic shame. No, it wasn’t your fault. As for how to live with it, I will respond to you with a video since I will be able to communicate it better that way. I will post the video in the next blog tomorrow.
https://joybasedliving.com/2019/06/28/living-with-narcissistic-abuse-resources-for-healing/
I have a question should i confront my husband and tell him I know what is wrong and why is acts the way he does I don’t know what to do so I’m happy
Personally – if it were me – based on my research – I would never ever do that. The narcissist would just get more information which would make him smarter at creating traps and more games. Richard Grannon addresses your question directly and quite frequently in his youtube channel “Spartan Life Coach”. Also, another channel I recommend, is Sam Vaknin. He’s an Israeli self-proclaimed narcissist who coined the term narcissistic abuse. He has created a program called Cold Therapy – for narcissists. Premise: Narcissists are “allergic” to empathy which makes them resistant to typical therapy (in which the therapist offers warmth to the client). It’s a rare narcissist who is going to take him up on it. And it’s very expensive. Back to your question – if it were me – no way.