Joy Based Living

I wasn’t born to be anyone’s lighting, to turn toward them constantly for the purpose of highlighting their grandiosity.

I like giving to my friends.

My undivided Attention. Affection. Energy. Emotion.

These are priceless gifts.

I love giving these gifts and receiving them.

But, like most people, I don’t enjoy giving them to people who seem to be scheming to “get” them from me.

I grew up in a narcissistically abusive household.

But whether it’s a household, work enviornment or community gathering-

what gets stiffled in such an atmosphere is the TRUE SELF. Intimacy. Laughter. Eye contact. Trust. Sharing.  These are fun, they’re real, they’re worthy! 

Instead, priceless moments are withheld –  in exchange for – (drum roll!!!)

puffing up, highlighting, spotlighting the narcissist’s FALSE SELF.

It’s a full-time job. To be someone’s lighting.

That’s not a good trade. Or a bargain.

It’s akin to selling your soul.

And (often, due to trauma bonding) telling yourself you’re doing it for love.

But really –

You’re under seige.

A regime of rage.

Because when you’re threatened with abuse and/or abandonment (including emotional, financial, intellectual, spiritual or physical) . . .

by someone who’s more powerful than you . . .

That’s not a sales agreement.

It’s not a negotiation.

It’s not sharing.

There is no freedom to choose.

It’s coersive control.

It’s atmospheric abuse.

(Is narcissism a personalized version of communism? I wonder.)

Because if you don’t do what they want – examples: if you grow into your own identity, if you stand inside of your own reality, if you try to express your own opinion, if you (God forbid) be in the limelight yourself –

someone will have to pay.

I’m going on about this because most people don’t really understand what goes on in a narcissistically abusive relationship or household, and how in the world a “free” person can be so strongly dominated by another.

The thing that’s taken hostage in this drama is, of course, the True Self. The Self that is naturally spontaneous, joyful and at ease.

There’s a lot of information available now about how to get out of such a relationship.

But the question I’m engaging is:

how to get your identity back once you’re physically out of the relationship.

What do you do with the messy energies of grief, shock, confusion, betrayal and unresolved trauma? How do you get your head around WTF just happened?

Who are you? And now that you’ve got some of your wits about you, how do you apply your strengths to support your True Self?

Well, first, you gotta put the sack down.

Grieve. Cry. Yell.  Face what you’re really feeling. Shame is surely part of the baggage. It’s the trickiest one of the bunch.

Get back in touch with your body.

And your friends.

And your spirit.

Very deliberately – Whatever it takes – Break the trauma bond.

Then –

you’re gonna have to gather every ounce of courage and commitment you’ve ever given to the narcissist and –

TAKE YOUR LIGHT BACK.

Use your superpower of RESILIENCE on YOUR OWN BEHALF.

You’ve got to decide what gives your life meaning.

What you value.

What and who you love.

Then you’ve got to educate yourself about this insane relation-shit dynamic.

This is important because if you’ve been conditioned into the dynamic before, you are likely find yourself dancing the toxic tango yet again.

You don’t want to do that. And if you do it, please don’t shame-blame yourself.

Get educated.

And shine your light on your road ahead.

Go forward. Keep moving. Take risks.

#fuckup #makemistakes #laughalot

Get educated some more.

Find out who you are.

Get support.

Notice who lights up when you’re authentic, and who supports your True Self emerging.

Pay attention to those friends who can safely handle your grief and your rage and who can celebrate your growth and your joy.

Those people are your tribe.

Find them.

Appreciate them.

Celebrate them.

Give them the same gifts they are giving you. #reciprocityrocks

These gorgeous people will be the sunlight that reflects on the facets of your diamond, causing sparkles and radiance to go flying.

And you will be theirs.

Your light show will be worthy of your true self and your best life.

You got this.

I believe in you,

Happy D!