These days, when someone asks for my help because they’re feeling perplexed, confused, distracted, “dilemma’d”, the next thing I listen for is if they’ve just experienced communication with a narcissist (or someone who’s part of the nark’s web) . . .
IF the answer is “yes,” . . .
THEN the communication pattern becomes the vital focal point of our conversation.
More likely than not, the person was just “narcissized”.
The details of the story are secondary to the abuse pattern.
I can help them deal with “how to best respond” to the details. But only AFTER the bubble is popped. First, the person has to realize that their confusion is most likely:
deliberately, intentionally and strategically generated.
It didn’t just “happen.”
For most people who’ve been narcissized, the most difficult part of healing is the desire to be good-hearted. We don’t want to label the nark or judge them. We want to see the best in them and give them the benefit of the doubt. We tell ourselves that they really didn’t know better. Really. WE WANT TO BE LOVING AND KIND.
But if it’s a pattern – and you feel confused after most interactions with the same person – open your eyes. (This feeling is called Cognitive Dissonance.)
What you want to do is:
Stop lying to yourself. Tell yourself a truer story. It’s the only thing that will save you.
The lies you tell yourself are the active ingredient to perpetuating the “trauma bond” which keeps the confusion ACTIVE AND ALIVE, even long after you’ve left the relationship. (study Stockholm Syndrome if you want to learn more about it).
Here are a few affirmations to help you break the trauma bond. Feel free to change the words as you see fit.
- I’m a radiant woman of light.
- I have no more f##ks to give for people who harm others by making them feel small.
- I’m not a tree. I can leave.
- My JOY is infinitely more important than fueling someone else’s ego.
- My clarity can guide me brilliantly.
- I know who I am, which is why I am reading this blog post to begin with.
- I am worthy and capable.
You aren’t alone. If you need help with finding clarity or joy, REACH OUT.
Breaking the trauma bond is essential for permanent healing and lasting transformation from narcissistic abuse.
For excellent info about healing from narcissistic abuse, check out this blog post which contains 2 key resources for you
If you are ready accept YOUR JOY and expand it, check out the JBL 12 Practices E-book.
ps. I saw this t-shirt design today. For those of you who are breaking the trauma bond, it’s a great pendulum swing in the other direction.