Joy Based Living

OMG IT”S WORKING!!! YAY!!!!!!!

A month ago, I started a group on FB called I LOVE AUTHENTICITY (https://www.facebook.com/groups/iloveauthenticity), and it’s been going well

AND THIS MORNING, I HAD AN AWESOME MOMENT!

THIS AMAZING HONEST THOUGHTFUL INTERACTION.

My heart feels so full of gratitude and meaning and connection. I’m moved to tears.

So here’s what happened.

In a FB post, I shared the meme (above) which I found floating around on FB… and wrote:

This quote is pure horseshit.

The fact is.

We affect each other.

Let’s PUT A STOP to the idea that we don’t.

Fuck!!!

One of my readers, Paul, replied.

Since it’s a public FB post, I’m going to share the interaction with Paul here so we can stand together in solidarity. So we can learn together. So we can grow together! Please send Paul some good mojo!!!!!

Paul:

unsure. We all have freewill. We chose what we do. You can’t make me do anything i dont want to do. Therefore what i do is exclusively my choice. Others may influence me, if i let them. Have I missed the point?

Debbie (me):

Paul, I reeeaaaly appreciate your tone of kindness and curiosity. You’re asking with so much sincerity and I’m touched by that.
Unfortunately… I’ve spent the last few years studying gaslighting.
I’ve also been the clean up crew for very kind people who were horribly treated by coworkers and bosses and exes.
In relationships where the abuse was all covert. Undetected by others.
Mean gazes, unkind words, AIMED to harm.
I watched these women blame themselves. And isolate themselves.
They couldn’t understand why, when they were under the gaze of certain mean people, they would be forgetful, or stammer over their words, or get stomachaches. Or lose their hair.
Believing the idea: “Nothing other people do is because of you, it is because of themselves” or the flip side: “Nothing I do is because of other people, it’s because of myself.”
THEY BLAMED THEMSELVES.
In blaming themselves, their self esteem suffered greatly.
Yes, ultimately, nobody could MAKE THEM feel bad. Or forgetful. Or stammer. Or get a stomachache.
But I think our culture would be heaps kinder and wiser if we would recognize just how much we impact each other.
My job with those women was to strongly remind them that they’ve been smacked with gaslighting and they needed to stop blaming themselves.
They each eventually quit.
They left those jobs and found kinder people to work with.
Ultimately it’s true:
“Nothing other people do is because of you, it is because of themselves.”
But when mean people use this to bully others…
Kind people need to wise up.
Placing blame where it belongs can be HUGELY uncomfortable. But sometimes people are bullies and the finger needs to point at them (not at ourselves), so we can exit. And move on.
In the context of authenticity and connection
“Nothing other people do is because of you, it is because of themselves.” This quote ignores the fact that we are in a dance.
Even this interaction with you… if you hadn’t been so kind, I probably wouldn’t have put this much thought into a response.

Paul:

Debbie Happy Cohen well, I am very glad that you did spend the time to go over exactly what you do mean. Having read your reply (and it contains some elements that I have no clue about) I have personally had some horrible treatment dealt out to me over the years. The lovely lady who helped me with some of the effects described me as very resilient. However I have been diagnosed by an NHS specialist as being quite severely emotionally disturbed.

I have been working on my emotional health and am convinced that its my reaction to evil intent that matters. My strategy is a bit flawed because forgiving the perpetrators is easier said than done. I certainly have to work hard at that one. I am really fortunate in that I have two close friends who know all about my dark life events and help me keep that resilience level high. Keep up your good work with your clients. Perhaps this discussion between us will shed some light on some reader’s own situations that they are facing. I hope so. When you cannot see any way forward that’s when sadness sets in. There is always a way forward its just sometimes we cannot see it.

Debbie:

Paul OMG, thank you so much for sharing. Your experience is EXACTLY why I created this group. I mean, read the cover. Authenticity… “especially after deep healing”. I’m so glad you’re here!!!! Please be sure to check out the 12 Practices ebook that I wrote. Share it with your therapist if you trust him or her. When I learned to PRACTICE EMBODIMENT and HONOR (which are the main practices in the ebook), my life completely changed. That’s why I am so excited about sharing it. After that, I could dive into deeper healing. GOOD STUFF. I appreciate your honesty so much!!!!!! I’m so glad you’re here!!!

ATTEMPTING FORGIVENESS WITHOUT FIRST FEELING AND PROCESSING THE FEELING OF BLAME is PURE FUCKING HELL.

Pete Walker’s book cover says it well:

THE TAO OF FULLY FEELING. HARVESTING FORGIVENESS OUT OF BLAME.

WE MUST LEARN TO POINT FINGERS CORRECTLY.

SO WE CAN FULLY FEEL THE PAIN OF OUR EXPERIENCE.

WITHOUT DENYING OUR EXPERIENCE.

AND THEN FORGIVE.

OTHERWISE WE RISK POINTING THOSE FINGERS AT OURSELVES.

WTF.

WE NEED TO EMBODY OUR EXPERIENCE (RATHER THAN REACTIVELY EXISTING VIA TRAUMA RESPONSES (fight / flight / freeze / people please))

& WE NEED TO HONOR OURSELVES AND EACH OTHER FOR OUR #AUTHENTIC 3XPERIENCE.

THAT IS WHY I WROTE THE 12 PRACTICES. SO WE COULD CREATE SPACES (RELATIONSHIPS) WHERE WE COULD DO THIS!!!!!

WHERE WE CAN ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE:

EMBODIMENT + HONOR

EMBODIMENT + HONOR

EMBODIMENT + HONOR

FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!!!

I FEEL SO PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS.

I LOVE HOW MUCH I CARE.

I LOVE THAT YOU ARE STILL HERE READING THIS!!!!!

HUGS!!!!

AND CHEERS!!!!

TO ALL OF US!!!!!

FUCK YEAH!!!!!!

#authenticity

#gaslighting

#petewalker

#kellymcdaniel

#gabormate

#relatednesswithoutagenda

Get the 12 Practices e-book here: https://joybasedliving.com/ebook/.
Download it.
Print it.
DO IT!
I’m here to support you and cheer you on!