Well I had no idea there would be such a strong response to my first blog posts on narcissistic abuse. In fact, on Thanksgiving evening, I received an email from a long lost relative letting me know that we had similar experiences growing up.
There’s a scene in the movie V for Vendetta where this woman who has been tortured and imprisoned for an indefinite amount of time, finds a note carefully hidden in a wall of her prison room. The letter, written by a woman named Valerie, is scrawled on a few small sheets of toilet paper.
Valerie writes that even though she doesn’t know the reader, she wants her to know that she is loved, so very loved.
I’ve only been posting on Youtube regularly since October 30 of this year (2018). That’s 3 weeks. And I don’t have a large following. Which is what makes this all the more beautiful.
If my Youtube or blog post could reach a long lost relative, like an SOS bottle found across the ocean, who knows what else is possible.
What I know for sure is that when I am authentic, 2 important things happen:
- I am less alone inside of myself. I am more complete with myself. I am in touch with my own truth. I know who I am and what’s important to me. Regardless of others’ perspectives and regardless of outcome.
- I am able to reach the hearts of others who are tuned in to my authenticity, my heart, my gifts. The invisible lines of communication are opened to the people I am here to serve: My true tribe.
But in order for my communication to be continually strong, there’s something I have to do, on a regular basis. Something which is the polar opposite of being victimized by a narcissist. And I can tell you this. It’s scary as F### at first. But the results are amazing.
What is this thing I must do?
PRESENCE MYSELF.
Boldly. Clearly. Powerfully.
Similar to how infants presence themselves: With no apology.
- No apology for your existence.
- No apology for your perspective.
- No apology for taking up space.
- No apology for your voice.
- No apology for your needs, feelings, desires.
- Filled with your life experience, and not trying to shrink any of it.
- Fascinated by everything.
- Totally open and available to reality.
- Crying and calling out when needs aren’t met.
- And just as easily smiling and laughing, for no reason at all.
- Connecting through eye-contact and mirroring.
- No self-judgment (no matter how messy).
- Natural. Strong. Easy. Self-assured.
As we are socialized, we LEARN to shut down and close off whatever our authority figures rejected: Anger. Joy. Sadness.
As we get wiser, we open our eyes.
We remove the veils, the invisibility cloaks, the rejections, and we show up naked. As ourselves. More and more.
Gorgeous. Brilliant. Light.
We learn again
- To laugh when we’re happy
- To cry when we’re sad
- To reach out for support
- To truly and authentically connect with others
- To feel whole and complete as we are
In my own journey to wholeness, I wrote a book called Authentic Presence.
Here’s an excerpt:
You can buy the book here. It’s an antidote to loneliness, and a wake up call to all those parts of ourselves which we have shunned. As we accept and honor them, they flow through us like a river being undammed.
We find home within ourselves, and in the world.
Here’s my video response to my dear relative. You are not alone. Not now. Not ever. Thank you so much for reaching out to me.
Love,
Debbie
ps. This kind of practice doesn’t happen in a vacuum or in a private journal. In full disclosure, I want you all to know that I have been PRACTICING authentically presencing myself for 2 years within our JBL Basecamp community. The healing happens in the same way the wound happened: in relationship with others.
